On that note.....

A fresh turd and a hat walk into a bar.

The barman points at them saying, "I'm not serving you, and I'm not serving you!"

"But why?" they ask.

"Well you're steaming and you're off your head!"
 
Man with a roll of tarmac under his arm walks into a bar and says, "Pint for me and one for the road."

Love that one, Rob. So Leslie Philips.
 
A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man claims his dog can talk.
The bartender promises free drinks if he can prove it.

The man asks the dog, "How does sandpaper feel?"
Dog answers, "RUFF"

The man asks the dog, "What's on top of the house?"
Dog answers, "ROOF"

The man asks the dog, "Who's the greatest baseball player of all time?"
Dog answers, "RUTH"

The bartender throws the pair out —


. . . .later, walking along, the dog says:
"So next time I'll say DiMaggio!"
~
 
Two pieces of string walk into a bar, the barman takes one look at them and says "string is barred, get out".

A little while later the scruffiest piece of string you ever saw walks into the bar, he's falling to bits and is all tangled up.

The barman says "are you a piece of string? We don't serve string in here"

And the piece of strings says "I'm a frayed knot".



Two VD germs walking down the road, suddenly a lorry loses control and hurtles toward them, one jumps clear just in time, but the last thing the other says is "I'm a goner 'ere"
 
A bloke runs into a bar and immediately orders a double whisky
and downs it in one.

again he asks the barman for a double whisky and again downs it.

As he asks for and downs a third
the barman says "are you celebrating something?"

"my first blow job" replies the man.

"in that case have another on the house "

"no thanks" says the man "I cant taste a thing now".
 
A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."

The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"

On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas. The bartender says, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, "Yeah, my wife!"
 
^^^^^^ lol

A bloke walks into a bar, he has a cat
on his shoulder and a flamingo under his
arm.

He asks for a pint, the flamingo asks for
a vodka martini and the cat says "I'm not paying!"

The barman, a little surprised asks him what happened.

The bloke explains that he was
walking along a beach one day when he found a small lamp.
Giving the lamp a rub a genie popped out and tells him he
can wish for anything in the entire world.

"Oh!" says the barman, "what did you wish for?"

The bloke gives a resigned sigh
"a classy bird with a tight pussy".
 
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